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Apparently i donapos;t look into the eyes of a lot of people (or, that itapos;s hard for me) because of the autistic tendencies i have.

that would also explain a whole other bunch of symptoms.


and i think i finally figured out where my arachnophobia stems from.

the funny thing is, nowadays those spiders are the only spiders i can stand. It used to be the other way around.



my new story is coming along nicely. I really like it.

no, i love it.



and everyone gets hypnotized
by your fire

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It looks like my grandma is not going to make it for much longer. Sheapos;s had so many blood transfusions that theyapos;re thinking that theyapos;re not going to be able to give her much more any longer. Apparently there needs to be a certain amount of time between them and even then, after several, some sort of toxicity builds up in the body. She needs them to supplement her own blood supply because sheapos;s not producing enough red blood cells. Since they carry oxygen to the brain, well, yeah. You get the picture.

As sad as Iapos;ll be when sheapos;s gone, at least she lived a long and full life and she wonapos;t be suffering anymore. She can go be with her husband and parents and brother. And my dad. In a weird way, I think it will be a bittersweet relief when she passes. Seeing her suffer hurts us too. Sheapos;s been in a dependent state for over five years and she absolutely hates it, especially now that she can barely communicate. I already miss her if Iapos;m honest. Sheapos;s just not herself most of the time. She has moments of clarity that are great, though all too brief.

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So iapos;m home for the night and do you know what is mean? leaving halloween decorations in a dark house and then spending the night on the boat only for your eldest daughter to come home unaware of the decorations and freak out in the dark alone. Yay.

im retaking the stupid GRE on sunday, but i am much calmer than last time which i think will make a difference.

i saw sara tonight and we went to hang out with some people from high school which was alot of fun. And i played poker (donapos;t worry, for those of you who were there during my poker addiction, not for money) which was fun and i am still pretty good at, if i may say so myself... I donapos;t think i have many friends interested in playing poker, i should work on that.

also, iapos;ve decided i need to start writing again and i would actually like to accomplish some decent writing in my lifetime. I want to write about people and iapos;m not exactly sure why/how but i think i need to become a creepy person who people watches in parks or something. Maybe iapos;ll get some ideas. For some reason i though i had some more interesting stuff to say about that but i just realized im too tired. Sleep it is.

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My dad gave me a letter today. He had written it over a year ago, and never showed it to me. It was so sweet that Iapos;m almost crying as I write this.

Itapos;s nice to have something from him filled with love. I like how things are now. Weapos;ve replaced pain with affection, and even though sometimes, itapos;s awkward...most of the time, itapos;s really nice.

I donapos;t even get as torn up as I used to when we debate. Itapos;s...funny.

*hugs*...so, hereapos;s me spreading some of that love I got today. Enjoy it. Itapos;s a wonderful thing.

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Achja. Het maakt me ook niet uit hoor. Als mensen iets willen denken dan mogen ze doen wat ze willen. Het raakt me niet. Behalve als jij daar voor mijn neus zou staan en naar me zou lachen. Als mensen mij zouden zeggen dat alles wel goed komt zou ik ze willen zeggen van niet. Waarschijnlijk klinkt dit allemaal depressief maar ik geloof dat ik dat op dit moment ook wel even ben.
Ik lig hier, totaal in verwarring en ik weet niet precies hoe dat komt. Ik kijk hier maar wat naar Ryden filmpjes die me totaal iets wllen laten schrijven. Filmpjes die alles veranderen. Vooral je stemming. Maar ook de manier waarop je ergens tegenaan kijkt. Ik zou echt willen schreeuwen nu. Of nee, slapen. Ik voel me niet goed. Helemaal niet zelfs.
ik heb behoefte om alles op te schrijven wat er in me op komt maar an de andere kant is dat wel het laatste wat ik wil doen. N luister ik Northern Downpour. Ik ben gek op dat numer. Brendon is series de beste zanger die ik ooit gehoord heb.
Ja ik ben panic at the disco verslaafd. Zo erg dat het niet normaal meer is ik schrijf de hele dag over ze. Als het kon, langer. Ik denk ook de hele tijd aan ze. Het kan me niets schelen verder. Het komt allemaal goed.

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Yesterday was my first day back at work after my holiday. Now the place is meant to be being refurbished but it looks no different to when I left. Just before I left, I was told that the lighting area would be down in two weeks but itrsquo;s still there.

An update on the parking situation. We have now been told that we have to park in the top car park. With no exceptions. We get two strikes. First strike we get a yellow card and a warning. Second time and itrsquo;s a red card, yoursquo;re dismissed from the company and they escort you from the building. Of course, where do I park. Yep, at the back of the front car park. But if it comes to anything I will argue the fact that I havenrsquo;t been told officially. It was only hearsay.

Today I treated the family to a Mc Donaldrsquo;s dinner. Nice of me huh. But it wasnrsquo;t exactly fast food. Firstly we went through the drive through and waited 20 minutes before getting to the window and being told that the chip and pin machine was out of order. I argued with the man, saying they could have let us know sooner and he replied with some line about them being understaffed. When it doesnrsquo;t take 2 minutes to put up a sign. The man said you will have to come in if you want to use your card, I donrsquo;t think there is much of a queue at the moment. So I drove round the corner and parked up. I went inside and had to wait a further 20 minutes to be served in there. All because a group of children from a youth Christians group, thatrsquo;s about 30 or so kids were there ordering one by one. They had no idea what they wanted to order. Plus they only had two people serving. If you donrsquo;t already know, I really donrsquo;t like kids and I wonder why. Add to that they were talking at the top of there voices and the fact that I was getting more and more hacked off every minute. I finally got served and they fucked up my order. To start with they only gave me 2 cups, where I ordered 3 drinks. Then I got back to the car and found that they only gave my one portion of fries, yeah we needed 3. So we got really hacked off. We charged into the restaurant and demanded to see the manager. We explained the situation nice and calmly and we got the fries we were missing, plus compensation of a free desert for every person. So a brownie and 2 apple pies for free. So all in all, we had to wait 50 or so minutes to get FASTFOOD, when it should have only taken 10 minutes tops.

On a good note I am currently sat on my new sofas. We have been sitting on deck chairs and the floor for weeks. It is so heavenly to sit in comfort.

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